I'm really sorry that I have to tell you this in a letter but I'm afraid we're going to have to spend some time apart. Yes, I really enjoy having dinner with you and watching a little TV with you but I have to face facts...you're making it difficult for me to lose weight.
I've tried working out and eating healthy, all of that is great but I still don't lose very much weight. The one thing I haven't tried is saying goodbye to you and your relatives. Please tell Gewurtztraminer, (my favorite one to pronounce) Reisling, and Pinot Grigio that I'm sorry. You girls are such good friends and we do have a healthy relationship, it's not like we see too much of each other or see each other TOO often but the fact remains that seeing you at all is really inhibiting my ability to lose weight. Please know that it's not you, it's me.
See, you contain extra calories that I can't use for energy, and your empty calories are easily stored as body fat, which then causes weight gain and we both know I don't need anymore body fat or weight gain. It's true that you're better than your cousin White Zinfandel (she thinks she's so sweet) besides, I never really got along with her anyway and I won't be seeing her either.
I might be able to hang out with you a little bit on the weekends if we can stay away from each other during the week, however, I think it's probably better for me to hang out with your cousins, Zinfandel, Merlot, Shiraz and Cabernet since they're full of antioxidants. Also, The Husband enjoys hanging out with them a little bit more than he enjoys spending time with you, maybe it's a "guy thing".
So my darling Chardonnay, it's not really a break-up that I'm asking for but simply a break. If we just spend a little time apart maybe it will help me in my quest to be healthier. There's plenty of people out there who want to spend time with you, I promise you won't miss me.
P.S.: Just so you know, I will NOT be spending any time with your very naughty cousin Vodka either. I love him so much but we're just not right together, please relay that message to him if you see him around the shelves of the liquor store...you do speak Russian right?
P.P.S.: See you Saturday!